A Thing Called Woman
by cryingtide
Summary: Vegeta's eternal arrogance and temper are nothing new to the DBZ crew, but Bulma has just uncovered something very sensitive about the Prince of Saiyans that can possibly destroy his reputation and his ego. P.S. Includes fan art per chapter! RR Pls!
1. Chapter 1

"Because seven ate nine," bits of rice flew out of Gohan's nose at Krillin's punch line. The rest of the room exploded in loud, boisterous laughter all except for one figure cast in a dark corner. Chi-Chi rushed to Gohan's side armed with a mop to clear the post-laughter mess. Bulma smiled coyly as Yamcha took advantage of the ruckus to slip his arm around her waist. _He's doing it again_, she thought to herself. Except this time, she didn't feel the familiar butterflies fluttering in her stomach. Instead, the teriyaki she'd crammed down her throat now rebelled against her gastric juices. _Perverted jerk_.

"You're hilarious, Krillin," Bulma squirmed out of Yamcha's grasp and rushed over to her non-shampoo-using friend.

"Hilarious? More like ridiculous," the figure slowly emerged from the shadowy corners of the room and cackled that evil laugh that could make even Dracula jealous. Vegeta's lips maneuvered themselves into his trademark smirk simultaneous with the crossing of his arms.

"Come on, Vegeta, lighten up! It's just a joke," Krillin shivered ever so slightly in his attempt to console the upset Prince of Saiyans.

"If you ask me, nine was just a weakling human who fell at the hands of an ever more powerful Saiyan," Vegeta moistened the tip of his index finger and rubbed diligently at the dots on Krillin's forehead. Despite endless pleading that they were permanent, he just couldn't accept it. Krillin's trembling registered on his finger tips, his smirked evolved into a devious smile.

"Yes, but the humor lies in the context of numbers. Seven ate nine or seven, eight, nine," Yamcha neared Bulma and hovered his arm around her only to scoop up air. Vegeta was not oblivious to this and laughed even more menacingly this time.

"Silly human, if you weren't such an imbecile, you'd realize that the woman does not want you. She has been evading your grasps for some time now," the insult cut like a drunk man shaving his face. Yamcha's face reddened with fury, he took a few steps towards Vegeta, drawing gasps from everyone in the room.

"Funny of you to say that, considering that you've never even been with a woman before," Yamcha towered over Vegeta, emulating an image of a father scolding a son. Although it's needless to say that in terms of strength it was the other way around. Goku knew he had to get involved sooner or later, the Briefs family had just finished the latest renovations in their home since another "mishap" of Vegeta's temper.

"I don't need to have been with a woman to know when I'm being rejected," Yamcha's fists balled up and Vegeta's smile stretched even wider. In a nanosecond, Goku landed a hard one on Yamcha's head and he fell to the ground.

"What the hell did you just do! That was my fight," Goku threw Yamcha over his shoulder like a towel and proceeded to the door.

"Better for me to take him down with one controlled punch than have you go all out on him! Goodnight everyone it is getting late," the rest of the crowd began clearing up leaving behind empty plates and cups and chopsticks scattered about the room. Bulma swore her father must have invented robo-maids because clutter never seemed to stay around for long even if no one bothered to clean it up.

………………………………...

Bulma woke up at around two in the morning. She heard some noises in her room a few minutes ago, but was convinced that it was just her imagination at work again. Superior intelligence does have its setbacks. Her feet descended down the stairs slowly, she stopped three steps before catching a glimpse of what looked like Vegeta's spiky, unruly hair. He seemed completely motionless, his eyes out of focus in a glassy stare. His fingers seemed to be fumbling with something pink and lacy.

She squinted and tried to make out the object that seemed extremely inappropriate in the hands of someone who has killed quite a number of men. It took about two seconds for it to register in her mind. Vegeta had somehow gotten hold of her pink thong. Her _favorite_ pink thong at that. _What is he doing with that!_

All fear of being killed by a ki blast evaporated as Bulma thumped noisily and snatched the garment out of his hands.

"Why the hell do you have this," she yelled in his face, moistening his cheeks with a slight film of spit. The Prince of Saiyans would've normally snarled and retorted in a snap, but he was caught red-handed. "You pervert! Why are you playing with my underwear! Do you get sexually aroused in some way?"

"Un…Underwear! That's what this is," his hands twitched and quivered as if he'd just dipped them in a bucket of cow dung. His eyes reverted back to the ground. Bulma could see his ears reddening madly by the second. His shoulders shook subtly, his whole body seemed gripped with tension.

"Well… Yes. That's what it is," she had planned to fight him for about an hour, but for once he seemed so vulnerable. For once, his unending arrogance came to a halt. This was just too good to be true, her mind was dizzying with all the possible things she could do to this moment. Then it hit her, the incident with Yamcha, this just _had _to be the reason for this. "Wait, did you do this because of what Yamcha told you earlier?"

He didn't answer, nor did he budge. Bulma waited patiently. His delayed response was making the situation even more awkward.

"I really don't know what my underwear will teach you about women. It is significant in a sense, but what it covers is of much more important, don't you think," a little teasing couldn't hurt a little. She had him right on the spot, cornered like a mouse. The sound of drops trickling unto a hard surface caught Bulma's attention. She didn't remember it raining today, it seemed highly unlikely.

The sound didn't cease for a few seconds more. By then she realized it was coming from where Vegeta was sitting. Her jaw collapsed at her realization. Vegeta had just wet himself.

………………………………...

Please check my profile for links to the Chapter Art!


	2. Chapter 2

"Get away from me right now or I swear I'll blast your head off…," Vegeta hissed nearly inaudibly. He waited to hear Bulma scamper up the stairs like a frightened rabbit with a wolf at is tail. But he didn't hear a sound, infact, he could actually hear a hint of a giggle. "What the hell do you find so funny!"

"Vegeta, you just peed in your pants. Literally," she took a few steps around him and sat in the chair besides his. "I don't know about Saiyans, but with humans, peeing out of occasion is a sign of fear or intense humiliation."

"Er, well, it's actually quite normal with Saiyans. Such physiological processes aren't associated with emotions. They just happen," Bulma's facial expression remained undaunted. "And in response to your question, no, it has absolutely nothing to do with Yamcha's foolish comment."

"Alright, since Yamcha's comment is out of the picture… Then I guess this whole matter revolves entirely around this," Bulma twirled her thong around her index finger and watched his eyes bulge.

Vegeta's shoulders stiffened then gradually relaxed as he let out a deep sigh. He really had no other choice than to come clean. When he first set foot on this planet, he had no plans of having any remotely romantic contact with humans except, perhaps, for digging someone's heart out of their chest. _Okay Vegeta, you're caught, so just admit it and take it like a man._

"Fine.. It might have something to do with what he said..," he spoke slowly and deliberately like a toddler trying to say his first words. He paused then looked Bulma straight in the eye. "Go ahead. Laugh. I know you want to."

In a generally objective aspect, the situation was pretty funny and she did think that laughing would be the most appropriate thing to do at the moment. But Bulma couldn't find it in herself to laugh. She remained silent and expressionless.

"I don't think it's funny. I think Yamcha was a jerk for saying that," she replied. Now it was Vegeta's turn to be shocked.

"…..Really?"

Bulma found it insanely weird to be having such a normal conversation with Vegeta. It was the first time they ever talked without battling each other. So he wasn't just a fighting, eating, annoying alien. He did have feelings beneath that raw-hide exterior of his.

"If he wasn't such a jerk, I'd still be his girlfriend," Vegeta's eyebrows cocked up suddenly at the statement.

"Oh, I had no idea you two weren't together anymore," he cursed himself for seeming so enthused about the revelation. But he did have an idea for some time now. It was hard not to notice such things since they used to be together every waking second of the day. Either he was losing his mind or he actually felt relieved to know they were officially over, at least for now. However, he wasn't going to let Bulma think he was all mushy like soggy rice. "He probably found some girl that didn't whine as much as you."

"Very funny, pee boy," Vegeta cringed at his new nickname. "But you're actually right, he called to cancel on our date saying he was sick, but he was actually at some girl's apartment the whole time."

"Pee boy. How creative," Bulma may only be human, but with her intelligence and impressive entrepreneurship resume, she was slightly superhuman. Plus, he did still need the gravity machine for a few more months. If it'd blow up again, she'd be the only one able to repair it. As much as he wanted not to care, he was a tad bit curious about this break-up business. "I don't see how big a deal it is. Why can't you just be alone? I've been alone all my life and it doesn't bother me one bit."

"But humans are not like Saiyans. Humans have affection, we can't just live our lives fighting and leveling up," feminine liberation took its stand and Bulma was ready to go off any minute.

"How exactly does it affect your life? You can still eat, sleep, do whatever it is you do. It doesn't kill you. I just don't see how having or not having a boyfriend can ruin your life"

"I'll be alright eventually. As for now, it's so hard to go out because I'm afraid that I might just see him with some other girl. I'd feel like such a loser.."

"Loser? You mean to say that it is some sort of a game," Vegeta's interest was now piqued. If this relationship business was indeed some sort of game or competition, it would be the perfect way to retaliate.

Bulma was about to disagree but the intensity of Vegeta's eyes told her not to. _He thinks this is some sort of competition or contest,_ she thought to herself. She was unaware that her eyes had strayed away from his face and were now scanning the rest of his body. She'd never realized it before, but Vegeta was actually pretty good-looking. His face had a boyish ruggedness, slightly tanned from training outside. His eyes were deep and bold, his body need not be described. Instead of delving into a rebound relationship just to get back at Yamcha, Vegeta could act as her boyfriend. But the problem was, would Yamcha believe it? Would _anyone _believe it?

"Er… Yes, a contest. Humans… We are also very competitive…In.. Searching for mates," her explanation didn't seem to erase the perplexed look on his face. He actually seemed a bit disheartened at the mention of the word 'mate'. Plan B, reverse psychology. "But I'm not forcing you into anything. I mean, winning or losing, who really cares?"

"Wh.. What! I care of course! I can't let that puny human think he's the winner," Vegeta nearly jumped out of his chair in agitation. "Tell me what I have to do, woman!"

………………………………...

"Why do I have to be blindfolded! Can't I see what's going on! It's _my _hair!"

Bulma didn't think Vegeta would have the least reservation about vanity. This was coming from the man that sweat like a pig after hours of grueling training and didn't even bother to bathe afterwards. Bulma tried every possible hairstyle in her magazine but nothing seemed to compliment Vegeta's strange dual-forehead. She had no choice but to shave it all off.

"Okay, you agreed not to react violently in any way whatsoever. And you want to win, so you said you'd do anything"

"Just take the damn blindfold off or I'll rip it off myself!"

Bulma took a deep breath and pressed a code into her remote. She wasn't foolish enough to use a simple piece of cloth. The opaque-lenses slid off his face and Vegeta screamed at the top of his lungs.

"I'm bald! I look like Krillin! Good God, woman, what have you done to me!", he rubbed his head frantically as he gazed in the mirror.

"Calm down! It's part of the routine. Krillin is bald for a reason. All men must be bald during the courtship process, only when they actually have a girlfriend can they have hair again. That's why Krillin has been bald for years now. "

Vegeta was about to call her a damned liar but it actually made sense. Krillin was bald. So was Piccolo. Gohan was just a kid. He looked into the mirror again and shrugged in defeat.

"But I look like an idiot.."

"No, you don't. You look quite handsome if you ask me," her cheeks reddened at the statement. Vegeta was caught off-guard as well and couldn't think of anything to say except to cough and make his voice crack.

"Okay, now I'll have to give you a new outfit as well. Wait here."

Bulma walked out of the bathroom and down the hall. She returned with a pair of dark-washed jeans and a black muscle tee. In her other hand was a pair of black shoes and grey socks.

"Whose are those, "Vegeta wondered as he scrutinized the garments.

"They're yours. I just bought them once at the mall. I usually do that with all my friends. I never actually knew when your birthday would be but I just wanted to be prepared."

"Oh," was all he could say. He couldn't believe she had gone through that much trouble. Furthermore, he was shocked that she even considered him a friend. True, they lived in the same household, but not once had he considered her a friend. A twinge of guilt struck him.

"Try them on and come out so I can see."

After a few minutes, Vegeta emerged a new person. He looked like a complete stranger. A hot stranger. Bulma couldn't tear her gaze away from him. She was completely awestruck.

"Um…. How do I look?"

"You look… Fine.. Yes.. Nothing wrong at all," she had to snap out of it. This was Vegeta she was looking at, not an actual viable bachelor fresh for the picking. She had a goal in mind and that was to get back at Yamcha. She circled him a few times, nodding in approval, suddenly the phone rang.

"Bulma, dear… I didn't want to believe it but it's true! I'm here at the mall and Yamcha is here with some red-headed tramp," Chi-chi yakked away on the other line. Bulma could hear Gohan complaining about being hungry and Goku joining in unison with him. "You need not fret about him, any man with the audacity to do such a thing is not worth moping over! But I've got to go now! I'm sorry!"

The line cut. She was now drab and out of spirit.

"What's wrong now," she almost forgot that the man speaking to her was Vegeta.

"Chi-chi said she saw Yamcha at the mall with some new girl of his…," Bulma felt the tears well up in her eyes. She didn't want to cry but she couldn't believe Yamcha could do that after his attempts to grab her last night.

"Then we should head over there and start this now," Bulma was amazed with Vegeta's competitiveness. The man wasn't going to give up. If it meant his ego, he was willing to do anything. There he was, bald and in a trendy outfit-so unlike him. She couldn't give up now, he'd find out she'd been lying.

"Alright, just give me a few minutes to get ready," she sniffled and started for her bedroom.

Unfortunately, it didn't take a few minutes. Typical of Bulma, two hours had passed and she still wasn't ready. Vegeta banged on her door incessantly.

"Woman! It's taking you forever! They might not even be at the mall anymore," he yelled and banged but not too hard for fear of breaking the door and seeing something frightening and unknown to him. After a few more bangs, the knob twitched and the door finally opened.

Bulma looked like a princess. Her light blue hair was silky and straight, cascading gently over her shoulders. Her eyelashes looked longer than he'd remembered them to be. Her complexion glowed. Her lips were rouge and supple. The light gold dress she wore clung to all the right places of her body. She seemed to be radiating an invisible aura of perfection.

Vegeta felt light-headed all of a sudden and grasped the edge of the door to keep from falling. His knees felt wobbly and he could barely balance himself. Even in his most fatigued of states, he'd never felt this way. He felt drained but not exhausted. He was in a state of utter and euphoric bliss. He looked at Bulma who happened to be looking somewhere near his crotch. His eyes trailed down to his groin, he yelped in fear. There was a huge bulge protruding from between his legs. He had never remembered seeing anything that big there before.

"Kuso! There's something in my pants," he hurriedly loosened his belt buckle and threw his pants down to the ground. Bulma spun around quickly so as not to see anything. "What is this! It's part of my body! This has never happened to me before!"

Bulma tried hard to fight the urge to turn around and get a glimpse of some Saiyan manhood. Sure, she had seen Goku's but he was a kid at the time. She twisted her body around slowly but Vegeta had already pulled his pants back into place. She sighed then cursed herself for being such a pervert.

"Okay, I guess were both ready then. Ikuyo!"

………………………………...

Footnotes:

Kuso is the Japanese word for 'shit'

Ikuyo is Japanese for 'Let's go"

Yes, I am aware that I can just write it in English, but as much as possible, I'd like to give the story the feel of an actual DBZ episode. Unlike most people, I watched DBZ in Japanese with subtitles. Thus, I'm accustomed to the characters speaking in Japanese. But do not worry, I'll provide translations for whatever words I'll be injecting here and there.


	3. Chapter 3

Bulma dragged Vegeta through every inch of the mall and there was still no sign of Yamcha and his new squeeze. She plopped down on the nearest bench only to assault her behind with synthetic hardness.

"Ouch," she yelped and grimaced in pain.

"If your butt was more toned that wouldn't have hurt a bit," Vegeta crossed his arms and threw his right leg over the other. He miscalculated the proximity between them and nipped Bulma's knee with his foot.

"ARRGH," her hand clutched her knee and she shot Vegeta her bitchiest of glares. Fat comments never fail to awaken the inner demon in every female. "Are you saying I'm fat?"

Vegeta chuckled and looked at a couple seated in the adjacent bench. Their tongues lapped at each other while the male caressed and tousled the female's hair in his hands. His face distorted in an expression of disgust. He turned to look at Bulma, at least she wasn't that repulsive. If he were to be completely honest with himself, she wasn't repulsive at all. In the back of his mind, he had a replaying fantasy of Bulma. Her hair was being blown by a soft wind. The skimpy two piece she wore clung ineffectively to her body. She licked her lips then pouted sexily before she sank her teeth into a ridiculously giant burger. Everything seemed right except for the puzzling burger that always appeared, he must've seen it on television somewhere.

"What are you staring at? Stop, it's rude to stare-" Bulma stopped short when she realized that it was Yamcha and the red head in the next bench. Her body convulsed with anger. Without rehearsing what to say, she rose from the bench and walked right in front of the busy couple.

"B-Bulma..," Bulma tried to read Yamcha's expression. He was obviously surprised but he showed no signs of guilt or shame. He was over her and she could not believe it. Yamcha straightened his collar and stood up. "Bulma, I'd like you to meet Dana. Bulma, Dana. Dana, Bulma. Bulma's a good friend of mine."

The word 'friend' pierced Bulma's heart like a bullet. Weeks before they formally broke up, she had already accomplished emotional upheaval. But having Yamcha dismiss her like this so nonchalantly was beyond cruel, it connoted a truth that she'd tried hard not to believe. Yamcha had never truly loved her, their entire relationship had been founded on false notions. Bulma gave Dana the once over and quickly identified her as a Class A slut, nothing really special, but perhaps she was exactly what Yamcha needed- an easy lay.

"So you're here alone," Yamcha had the nerve to ask as he fondled Dana's hand the same way he used to with Bulma.

"Of course not, I'm here with-" Bulma swallowed and braced herself for whatever reaction she might illicit. "My boyfriend."

Yamcha dropped Dana's hand and looked dazed for a second or two. He had clearly not expected this. Bulma tried hard not to smile in victory, she had hit him where it mattered. Landed a hard one right on his ego. Bulma felt someone's hand grasp her waist. The touch was new, but not unwelcome. She turned and Vegeta was at her side. A feeling of comfort and protection soothed her.

"Hi! I'm Dana," Dana outstretched her hand to Vegeta, smiling and seeming a bit too eager. She batted her eyelashes and stared at him intently. Vegeta did not even offer the slightest acknowledgement to the gesture. Dana's hand remained mid-air for a few more pathetic seconds before she let her arm fall limply to her side. Her smile evolved into a vicious glare as her eyes shifted to Bulma. "Well someone here has bad taste."

"Way to treat a lady, jerk," in truth he was angrier with Dana for acting like such a cheap whore. Well, he did just meet her at some sleazy club but he wasn't about to let Bulma find out about that. He'd yell at her later but for now he was going to bruise this guy's face. "You'd better apologize or I'm going to have to make you."

Vegeta pulsed race with each second. Bulma's weakened, she gave Vegeta a knowing glance. _Just don't kill him,_ her thoughts pleaded. Before she could employ a delay tactic, Yamcha lunged forward and swung hard at Vegeta's face. Vegeta dodged the blow and smashed his right fist into Yamcha's gut. Blood spewed out of Yamcha's mouth, in less than a second Vegeta's elbow knocked him into the floor sending pieces of cracked flooring flying in all directions. Dana just stood there like a dazed idiot. Bulma tapped her shoulder, as Dana turned to look she threw a solid punch right in her face. Dana fell in a heap right on top of Yamcha.

"I didn't know you could punch like that," Vegeta looked at Bulma admiringly.

"Er, thanks.. Neither did I. But we've got to get out of here."

Vegeta could see security guards approaching them from all directions. He grabbed hold of Bulma and flew out of there.

………………………………...

What had just transpired inside the mall was all a blur to Bulma. Her head felt light and she was on the verge of a migraine. Looking around she took in the familiar surroundings of her room. Her hands grabbed hold of the sheets on her bed. Vegeta must've ignored her pleas to fly at such a high altitude. She knew how most men were race car fanatics, but racing airplanes was a bit too extreme for her taste. Being that high in the air must've made her pass out. She rolled onto her side then let out a glass shattering scream. Startled, Vegeta nearly fell out of the bed.

"What the hell are you screaming for," he rubbed at his eyes and sat up in bed. His right hand reached high above his head. "Oh, forgot I don't have hair anymore." He opted to scratch his scalp instead, which proved equally, if not more, gratifying.

"You… dirty… pervert…," even her angriest of glares looked somewhat sexy to him at the moment. But he didn't understand what she was so mad about. He had just kicked her ex's ass, way to show gratitude. "How dare you use my body without my permission! Not even Yamcha had gotten that far with me! You bastard!"

"W-what are you talking about," Vegeta looked bewildered. Bulma looked as though she was about to kill him. She held her glare for a about three more seconds before her hand slapped him hard across the face. Not expecting this, Vegeta was caught by surprise. His cheek felt a slight, short-lived sting. Turning, his seemed to glow in the dark. Anger burned inside of him, never in his life had a woman demonstrated such disrespect. Bulma quickly regretted doing it, the covers flew as Vegeta practically leapt towards her. She struggled under his grip, he pinned both her shoulders down with his hands. Her features twisted in agony, she knew Vegeta was strong, but she had never felt his power used against her. "I'm going to kill you for that, bitch."

"Any last words before you die," his lowered his face until it was just a hair's distance from hers. She had to do something quick. But what? His breathing was hard and uneven. His ki seemed to be rising by the second. Bulma felt engulfed by a radius of steadily heating energy. _Oh my God, he's going to roast me alive!_, beads of sweat rolled down her temples. The heat was pricking her skin like needles. She didn't know what the outcome would be but it was worth trying. Her head lifted off of the pillow and her lips pressed firmly into Vegeta's.

As if she'd just flicked the off switch, Vegeta reverted back to his normal, inoffensive state. Contrary to his perceived roughness, Vegeta's lips were soft and extremely kissable. Bulma rolled over and landed on his chest. The neckline of her dress had slipped dangerously low, noted by the look of Vegeta's fixed stare. Not removing her lips from his, she guided his hands to her chest. Shivering in excitement, he ripped her dress halfway down. Bulma writhed out of what was left of it as his fingers explored the contours of her now completely bare breasts. Vegeta let out a series of soft sighs as he caressed them. He was beyond aroused and Bulma could imagine how constricted an area in his pants might be. Her hands traveled to his zipper and tugged it down. His fully erect member bulged out immediately, rubbing against her thigh. Vegeta bit his lip to suppress a moan.

"I thought you were going to kill me, Mr. Prince of Saiyans," she couldn't help but tease him in his helpless state. Vegeta blushed violently, there was nothing he could say in defense as his hands remained doing as they were. "You've touched me enough. Now taste me."

Partly concerned whether he was doing it correctly, he began to lick her breasts wildly stopping only to delicately suck on her nipples. Bulma moaned loudly, sending shivers of excitement throughout his body. She grabbed onto his manhood and guided it into her. With significant effort, he slowly penetrated her sending her into rioting screams of both pleasure and pain. He couldn't hold it any longer, he began to yell loudly in ecstasy. After several more thrusts, he tipped the peak of pressure and let go. Their bodies shook in unison for several seconds before they both collapsed on top of one another.

"I'll kill you once I get my strength back..," he managed to whisper between heaving breaths.

"No, you won't," Bulma kissed him and held his face in her hands. Vegeta just smiled and returned the kiss, then retired into a deep slumber. _Men_. So much for a romantic moment.

………………………………...

Bulma awakened for the second time that day to the sound of a running shower. _That bastard, you'd think he'd at least feel that what happened was special_, she cursed as she headed to the bathroom planning to yell her lungs out at that Bakka Prince. A round, bald head silhouetted in the hazy shower glass. Her leg itched suddenly and she reached down to scratch her calf. Stubs of newly growing hair brushed against her fingertips. She tried to recall the last time she'd shaved her legs.

Bottles of cream, lotion and whatever known cosmetic commodity cluttered her cabinets and drawers but not a single razor. _Where did I put it? I just used it yesterday to shave that jerk's head_, she shoved past a few more unneeded items. She blew out an irritated sigh and caught sight of something in the trash bin. Bending down to get a better look, there it was amongst used tissues and other unnamed detritus.

_What the heck is it doing there?_, about to lecture Vegeta on throwing out her property she stopped short of herself. A smile slowly spread on her face when the realization hit her. She looked to the figure scrubbing away in the shower.

_You're right, Vegeta, you won't be needing that anymore, _she sat patiently on the counter and waited for him to finish up.


End file.
